I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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