Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
