I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
This baby is an asshole
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
