Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
