i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I would fuck him just for his dog
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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