my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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