Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
