How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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