Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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