he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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