I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
