dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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