Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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