Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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