He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The uberlube is also flammable
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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