Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The adults are the big ones right?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
