I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
