What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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