yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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