Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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