my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
