Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
