No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
