Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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