How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
