I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
