pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
