I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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