it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize