got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
