im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
