His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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