You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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