Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
