Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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