If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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