he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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