I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You're like the curious george of whores
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
