Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
