how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
