yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
my being single is dangerous.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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