We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He shit in the fireplace
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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