we have pet lesbian snakes
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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