Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
