You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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