the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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