if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
