Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Randomize
