Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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