Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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