when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
