someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
