so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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