as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i love accidental penises.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
