3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
