dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Never joke about your clitoris.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
