Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize